My blog has been a creative outlet and I have steered clear of rants for the most part. I also have kept a safe distance from my public and private lives; although I admire greatly blogs like Dooce and Her Bad Mother. The time has come to do some serious venting before I explode, or spontaneously combust, whichever is first.
My husband and I are currently separated. When I left home, only about five people (my inner circle) knew. Some of my coworkers and community found out from his blog. Although he may disagree, I am not a drama kind of girl. Once news became public knowledge and people started asking questions, I began to come unglued. First of all, I am floored that people seem to think that breakdown of a relationship as personal as that of husband and wife suddenly gives them the right to chime in with their opinions and ask such personal questions. There is a line and it has been crossed. Secondly, when a tragedy such as this occurs, it's pretty evident of who truly cares for you and wants the best for you, whatever that may be. I'm going to name those that have offered their prayers and support to me and my family (in no particular order) Dad, Mom, Tina, Pam, Thomas, Cynthia, Grayson, and Abbie. Each of these people have helped hold me up as I have been falling down. They have not judged the circumstance, only hoped it would work out to be God's will. I am blessed to have such loving and supportive people in my life. His family has also been extremely supportive of him/us and our dear son.
If you really, I mean really know me, then you know I am a very private person. I'm not a gossip. So all this drama is uncomfortable and draining to me. I will not get into specific details of our marital strain, but I am going to own up to my shortcomings.
I am a control freak. I do like things my way or the highway. I believe I was born this way and those that know my Dad should attest to this. I don't see this as a character flaw, but rather a strong will. I am always right. On the rare occasions that I am wrong, I will admit it. Since the year 2001, when my health became an issue, I have had memory problems. I forget things. Although I have been accused of selective memory, this is not the case. There are specific areas in my brain that have been affected by my illness and that is the root cause of my forgetfulness. I have done years of research on Lupus and have vast quantities of information regarding the way it attacks ones system. (Footnote: Although I have been told my illness is "in my head," medical records and lab tests confirm that diagnosis.) I suffer from depression and generalized anxiety disorder. This too was a bonus from the Lupus and I am medicated for these. When my health failed, my perfectionism spiraled out of control and I went from being a neat freak to a clutter bug. This is especially painful to my husband and son because I loose things frequently and accumulate things that have no intrinsic value. I have been in counseling off and on over the past several years for this and have been under the care of a wonderful Psychiatrist since 2002. I have several books and loads of research on how this is a facet of OCD (again, I believe I was born this way...my hair pulling as a young child proves this). I am a procrastinator. The OCD and this is a bad combination. I am also highly sensitive; a blessing and a curse. It allows me some "super powers" in that I can read people with nearly 100% accuracy, sense danger, predict certain things, and have more empathy that most. The kryptonite is that I am very easily hurt and take some things far more personally than I should. I do keep people at arms distance for my own protection.
I was told that no one knows the real me. That's true. But I'm trying. I have opened myself up more so in the past couple of months than I have in the past decade. This process has been liberating, freeing, and debilitating at the same time. I feel like Atlas and that I have just set down the world. I'm beginning to breathe again. There have been other benefits like only one panic attack in a month, 17 pounds lost, I'm falling asleep faster, and no more of the horrific nightmares I have been plagued with for years. I also require far less medication on a daily basis and have generally been in a good mood despite the heartbreak of my situation. I have felt extreme guilt for feeling better. I have felt selfish for putting my happiness above that of my family.
I don't know how this story will end. I do know that I am making decisions for me and struggling with the pain this is causing those I love. It was not my intent to hurt my loved ones, or anyone for that matter, by honoring myself. I am a flawed person and have a long road to becoming the person I want to be. Thank you for your support and I ask for your prayers. For anyone offering anything other than support and prayers...keep it to yourself.
